Death and love...!!!

Mr. Bodhi. (1st August 9.30 PM)

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          9.30 PM in the clock now, as daily routine demands of me to clean up the Kitchen...as per my daughter's defined schedule for me. I've started cleaning the kitchen, kept all the utensils where they are supposed to be. Small drizzles of rain started to fall. I hurry up to close the windows but fresh earthy smell of rain stops me from closing it. I keep looking outside thinking of Vasu..Vasudha.. my dear Daughter. What will happen to her after me? She is a strong girl like her mother Shyama..Shyama is far away from us..in heaven looking over us proudly. I hope she is proud of me. But I'm now worried about my daughter. I need to talk to her now. Time has come for me to go to Shyama..my dear Shyama. Dr. D'souza told me today, it will be a matter of hours now. He has kept me on high dose as requested by Vasu otherwise I would have been dead person. I am bearing all this pain for my daughter's sake. She has to understand it's a matter of hours now. Anytime. ..I will be gone from her world forever. Me myself was cardiologist but my sudden illness forced me to leave my practice as I was diagnosed with..ohhh that's not important. Vasu does not like to talk about it. She was hardly 15 years old then...But my brave heart..Vasu.. took it very courageously. For her I am the only alive person who knows her.

             She needs someone who will love her for who she is. She needs to get settled now. I should have convinced her to get married long ago. But I can’t force her. She is not a girl who will marry someone for sake of getting married.

            I need to talk to Bhaskar now. Ohh that boy..he loves her so much..he has come to India looking for her after almost 10 years (that's what I think). Thank God, he is here now. At least for next two months he'll be here. He has known her since their college days. I don't know what had happened between them then..might be he wanted to explore opportunities out of  India and Vasu wouldn't have done that for me. When I met Bhaskar just one week ago in Nancy's coffee shop..mine and Vasu's favorite joint.. That boy came to me and asked "are you Mr. Bodhi". I said "yes..but  I don't think I know you, gentleman." Then he told me, he had met me in university where I went for Vasu's convocation ceremony when she got the gold medal of economics. He and Vasu were college friends. He comes to the coffee shop every day in a hope to find her. I guess, in their college days the coffee shop might be their meeting place. Vasu doesn't have many friends. She is not active on social networking sites. So the coffee shop was the only place to find her. I had a very good talk with Bhaskar. He is not aware of my illness. He is in India for some work but suddenly passing by the coffee shop he remembered his lost love. I encouraged him to meet her and gave him her office address. I don't know whether they met or not.   

             Knock on the door broke my reverie. I close the windows of worry ..and open the door of happiness. Here is my Vasu...looking happy, relaxed..at-least pretending to be. I know she had an appointment with Dr. D'souza. So she knows the reality now. But look on her face make my heart clench in sympathy . I want to hold her ..Want to ask her, please drop all the pretense...please cry ..let it come out. But I can't allow myself to do that. Instead I say "You are late today.. Vasu". "Yeah baba, preparing for my Tokyo visit ..lots of work now. I am hungry." she smiles at me "Yes..take shower..Dinner will be served hot to you mam in a short.." She laughs at what I say to her. She likes to ask me such a small favor ..to make me feel I am still useful to her.

           "Vasu, can we go out for a coffee after dinner.. I want to talk to Nancy". "Baba... Its almost 10.30, and you are not allowed to go" But looking at my face she give me a silent approval..We take the umbrella..and started walking slowly towards the coffee shop..I ask her suddenly "Have you met Bhaskar". "Who......Bhaskar baba.." I can see bewildered look on her face. "How come you know of him..." and suddenly she looks at me ..realizing and putting all the pieces together. After big silence she says "No..he came to my office today but I was busy so could not meet, but If you are asking me about what is in your mind..then forget about it baba..that is never going to happen." Avoiding the unavoidable she says "I am not thinking anything beyond this moment baba..let’s have coffee now". As we enter the shop I can see  Bhaskar seating alone in oblivion. When I look at Vasu, she is also looking at him "Let’s go to him baba..I know you have planned this with him.."  "No Vasu, I didn't know that he would be here..If you want, we will go to him..otherwise.." without listening to what I am saying she starts talking to him. "Hey Bhaskar..long time no see. how are you..?" He looks at Vasu then looks away..and smiles again looking at me "Yeah..nothing much.." Vasu says "Sorry ..I was in hurry that day..so could not meet you". They starts talking about neutral topics..job,college days..friends they know. Feeling their awkwardness  I say  "I have some work  with Nancy, you both continue.." 

        Nancy is my childhood friend..we both know each other very well. She and her nephew had started the coffee shop at the same time Vasu was born. She knows about my illness. I am going to tell her about Vasu and Bhaskar.

Vasudha. (1st August 10.30 PM)

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           We are seating in Nancy's coffee shop. I had already avoided him. It will look rude to him now if I do that again for what he was for me 10 years ago. His nearness unnerved me. I don't know what to speak, where to look. We both are aware of each other’s small body movements. Finally I say "Why are you looking for me..?" He says smiling at me "Sudha...to see how you have changed or how you're the same..no..actually wanted to meet you ..for last time..before going. It has been long time..haven't heard anything about you..coincidentally I got your address so thought of  meeting you ". I can see his hesitation of speaking the truth. I am only thinking about what Dr. D'souza told me in afternoon. I can tell him at any time what I feel. I want to tell him everything about baba. About our last meeting 10 years ago. He did not ask me that time why I said "NO". He just said to me that time "Sudha, I can see that you need me..but If you do not want to talk about something that is making you say no to me ...its fine for me..Sudha" He lingered on last word Sudha as if his whole world depends on it. Sudha..only he calls me by that name. It sounds good to hear that name from him again. That time he offered me his hand..I just turned away from him..ignoring him completely..buried in my own thought. Had I made big mistake of rejecting his love for me. I could not go with him wherever he wanted to go at that time. I could not tell him about baba..I didn't want to ruin his life at that time. There were opportunities waiting for him abroad. I didn't want to hinder him because of me. So saying no at that time was the answer to his question.

                Now he is seating in front of me, with same air of casualness about him. I say "OK..there is nothing we can do to amend what has happened 10 years ago". I try to look as much practical as I can. He says "I did not come to see you to change anything. Can't we just be friend..Can't we talk normal"? I laugh "Yeah...Normal..we can do that.." Looking at my watch I say

"It is almost 11.30 now..I need to go..We will meet tomorrow again here at same time...err..morning 10 is ok for you.." I know I couldn't make that appointment but still I ask him.  "Yes..we can meet..Thanks Sudha". Nancy Aunty comes and She says "Good night Vasudha..call me whenever you need me..". I look at baba..and my whole world collapse . In Aunt's eyes I can see fear of losing someone. With straight face I say "Good night aunty..and Good night Bhaskar.."

Bhaskar (Next Day)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------          I don’t know why I stopped at coffee shop. Might be in hope that I can see Sudha there. I know that she is purposely avoiding me. The way I know her, there is always a strong reason behind her action. But I can’t see why she is avoiding me. She had always avoided talking about her family. I knew that she is living with her father apart from that she'd never shared anything. When we started liking each other..don't know where It started, I was manager of college's cultural festival and Sudha likes to act and to direct the drama. I got to know this facet of her personality from one of our professor. Initially she said no to act, but when I said to her that "you can direct whatever you want no one will change or interfere in your script". I don't know why I said that. I think from that moment we knew what we need from each other.

           I know deep down in my heart I am missing her. But I can't say same to her. At least she noticed my existence by inviting me for coffee tomorrow. I could not sleep in thought of meeting her tomorrow..feeling like teen age guy.

          With tired eyes.. stops alarm from beeping.9 AM in clock now. I don't want to get late. Humming my favorite tune "little things by one direction",  I prepare myself for our meeting. When I reach the coffee shop,Nancy Aunty has been waiting for me. Her face looks so terrible. Calmly she says to me "Vasudha's baba is no more..Bhaskar. Vasu is in hospital. She took him to hospital soon after they left last night. She called me just an hour ago. Mr. Bodhi told me last night…" while saying this she starts to trumble. I say "We need to go then.. " "No worry child..hospital is going to look after as per his last wish whatever the vitals that are in good condition he wanted to donate that." She calmly looks at me and says "we need to take care of Sudha.”

         I am in shock to hear the news. But while going to hospital Aunty tell me about Uncle's long going illness and now I understand why Sudha said "NO" to me that time . Everything is so unexpected; I don't know how I am going to comfort her. I know what it feels to lose both the parents. And me..when she was going through lot of hell I was thinking about how I would  tell her what I feel. Damn me..!!!! She needs me more than anything.

        When we reach hospital Sudha has been signing off some certificates. Our eyes meet, Only one thing in my mind..she needs to cry. She is keeping all her emotions at bay. Aunty says "Sorry child..may god bless his soul." Without showing any sign of emotion she just says "Thank you aunty..Thank you Bhaskar for coming. All the things are taken care now." She is sounding like wreck. Taking her hand Aunty says "We need to go child..".

          When we reach home, she goes to her dad's study..lit the diya..Keeps door open. She  looks at me..tears in the corner of her eyes. Aunt says "I will go and arrange some food". Aunty looks at me and that instance I know that Uncle had told her everything about us.

       She lays in her dad's recliner looking at ceiling. "Sudha..don't be afraid to cry..you will feel better." She just ignores me. I sit down beside her and taking her hand I say "You knew since long time someday this is going to happen"..She shakes her head slowly not taking her eyes off from ceiling. Vasudha's hands clench suddenly tight on her knees and she bent forward as though trying to contain some sudden pain, I stroke her hair, wondering at softness of strands that slides through my fingers. I want to take her into my arm, as much for the feel of her as to offer comfort, but she is unresponsive and rigid. "You are grown up, Sudha" I said softly. "He needs to go ..to be free of all pain and suffering.."

        Finally she speaks  "Yes..but Bhaskar you do not understand!" She burst out. She presses her lips tight together and turning to me, she says "He was all that's left the only one who really knew me. he was the one who knew me from beginning the one who heard my first word and was proud of my ability and who ..."she brake off and tears overflowing ,leaving traces on her cheek.. "I know this sounds really dumb" she says with abrupt violence. "Really really really dumb!!!but its.." she grope, helpless then spring to her feet unable to stay still. she continues saying “It’s like there all these little things I don't even know. Do you think I  remember what I looked like, what the first word I said was?..No but baba....! and that is so stupid because what difference does it make, it doesn't make any difference but it is important because he thought It was..and ..oh Bhaskar there is no soul left in the universe who cares what I'm like,or thinks I’m special not because of anything but just because I am me. Baba was the only person who really really cared.and now he's gone...And It’s just selfish and dumb. I kept him for sake of mine forgetting about his suffering.  It took years for me to understand that he should....ohh I am awful".

           "No" I say quietly. I come behind her arms around her waist, urging her to lean against me..she resist at first..then leaned for physical comfort and relaxes . "I never thought this. There are boxes in my room full of my parent’s memory. My uncle gave me back then. I asked once, uncle why did you keep them " He said "They belong to you and no one could take them away from you". She asks me "Have you ever opened that boxes." I say "No..never..It is not important what is in them..only that they are there".

      I let go off her then, step back so that she can look at me..her teary eyes looking at me. "You are wrong, you know" I say softly ,holding her hands. "It is not only your baba who cares."