Voyager of mind.

 Flight from New York to Delhi landed at Delhi airport. I was at home after three years.

"How are you Beta?" my granny asked me. I replied "As always happy, dadi". Offering me a glass of water she said "How is work going? You seem to be traveling a lot nowadays" I smiled and said "Everything is fine. Yes, since last few months I am traveling for my pleasure."

Dadi looked at me; she wanted to say something but ended up saying "Soul searching..." I nodded to her in approval.

Suddenly my eyes captured the photo frame on the wall. It was photo frame of my Parents. Dadi saw me staring at photo and sensing the change in my expression she said "You have early flight tomorrow, go to bed."

I was trying to sleep. After seeing the photo of my parents, emotional tug of war was going on in my mind.  Wall clock was showing 12.21 AM. I opened my messenger bag and took one sleeping pill.

I woke up in the middle of the night with my face covered in sweat. I reached for a glass of water and gulped it like a thirsty dessert person.

Same nightmare, my parents covered in blood, urging me to help. I was staring at their bodies. My whole body went numb. I always thought if I could have been strong person I would have saved my parents. They left this world in front of my eyes. Someone unfastened my seat belt and pulled me out from driving seat.

Since my parents death I had experienced the nightmare for almost a year. Every night after the nightmare I had experienced heavy emptiness in my body. Yes, emptiness can be heavy sometimes. As if someone has emptied all the lively things those are required for person to function as “Alive”. I couldn't rejoice in memory, I couldn't experience love. I couldn't distinguish between what was real and what was an illusion. The nightmare was same every night. But my nightmare was not just a bad dream it was the reality that changed the way I functioned as "me".

I brushed off all the thoughts of that accident and tried to sleep. Fortunately I managed some sleep.

It was still dawn when I stepped out of the cab and walked towards the entry gate of the Delhi airport. The early morning February air was pleasantly cold.

I was traveling to Bengaluru to attend a college friend's wedding. It had been four years since we graduated from the same college. This wedding was also going to be a reunion of our batchmates. But what I didn't know was that the reunion would begin much ahead of time; right in the queue in front of the airline counter.

I was almost sure it was she. Same height! Same long hair! Same complexion! Curiosity had my eyes glued to her. And then about 60-odd seconds later, when she turned, she proved me right. My ex-girlfriend stood two places ahead of me in that queue. We had never met after the college farewell.

She turned to look at someone behind her. A middle aged lady was standing in queue and she was talking with her. I did not know whether she looked at me or not. But I felt that she had glanced towards me for a split second. I was contemplating whether I should talk with her or not. I was sure that she was also going for Saumya’s wedding. I decided against my mind to not talk with her. Queue moved with tortoise speed. I was observing her movement from behind. My mind went back to the day when I met her for first time.

It was the month of august, first day of college in Bengaluru. Common addressing for first year students was going on in Auditorium. She was sitting beside me. She had tucked her long hair in ponytail. She wore jeans and rain jacket. She wasn't paying much attention. She was writing something on paper unaware about her surroundings. After an hour when addressing got over everybody started to go out.

Still she sat in auditorium scribbling something on paper. My curiosity aroused so I lingered behind. When I was about to leave the auditorium she started singing in very low voice. I stopped and turned around to listen to her. Unaware of my presence, she started playing guitar. I stood there at same spot transfixed by her song. When she stopped playing guitar, I clapped for her unknowingly. She took her guitar and started to leave the auditorium. I was standing on her way out. She came and said to me "Not a good day today. Thanks for listening and for clapping also." I smiled looking at her and gave my honest opinion. I said "Don't know about the guitar. But words were good." I stopped talking for some time recalling the words of her song. "Silent heart chimes”, those three words summarized everything. She smiled and said "Not many pay attention to words." when I opened my mouth to say something she said "That's what I thought." I replied "You might be wrong."

We started walking towards the clerical office to get our college identity card. We were in queue to collect our ID cards and she started talking with me. In our 20 minutes conversation I barely spoke for 5 minutes and that too just to answer her questions. The girl who sat beside me scribbling something and the girl standing ahead of me in queue were totally different personality.

We were again in airline queue, trying to search lost pieces of our past. Did she know that I'll be in wedding?  I had no contact with her after college. I tried to contact her but no luck. She'd cut all the ties.

She was the only child to her parents and her parents got separated when she was 16 years old. Since then she had lived her life on her own. She earned some money while performing in some bands and as music teacher. But looking at her no one will know about her hard life. She was always cheerful and positive.   

Where we went wrong? We never told each other in words how it felt to be together. She always knew what I want or what will be my reaction. But only once she missed that prediction and that one miss was responsible for our separation. 

Our plane landed at Bengaluru airport. I was waiting for cab. Suddenly a sound came "Anwesh, you can join me. I hope Saumya also booked you in same hotel." I never understood her. One moment she was like in her own world ignoring all and next moment she was the only world that other could have. I told her I had already booked a cab.

Fifteen days after my parents death I came back to Bengaluru to complete the last semester of engineering. I'd accepted the reality. But I couldn't forget the fact that I was the one who was responsible for that. My grandparents told me many times that it wasn't my fault as our car was crushed by truck; some drunken driver was driving that truck. Once I asked them how you accepted the death of your only son. My grandpa told me that time "love for your mom and dad.  Love is the only damn thing that makes you alive when you feel like it's all over."

But that love was the thing that made me more vulnerable. I'd put brave face in-front of my grandparents. But I couldn't hide my real emotions in front of Sharmishtha. She could sense it that something wrong was happening with me. She tried to behave as normal as possible with me. She never even brought the subject of my parents. That was her way of helping me to come out of my grief.

Every night after nightmare I wanted someone to hold me tightly listen to all anguish that was inside me. Her way of coping with grief was different. During that period I felt that we were totally different personality. She wanted me to be a strong person like her and I was not. At least at the point of time I was not the same Anwesh that she had known earlier.

        During that period she was the only person to whom I should have talked my feelings. That should have been time when one of us was in trouble other should have given the shoulder. But unfortunately that was the time when I started to distant myself from her. In those days despite of my weird mood swings and my indifferent attitude towards her, she tried hard to understand me.

       When her music band won the competition she gave party to all friends. I went there but I was in different world of mine. World where there was no Sharmishtha. Only my guilt was staring at my body like I was the only living creature left in this world. Sharmishtha did not express her concern about that night but she realized my aloofness. She was enjoying the party; there was no need of me in her world. And that night I had decided to part my ways with her, with our dream of moving together after college. We both got recruited in same organization so we wanted to start our new life together.

        "Sir, your hotel" The voice of cab driver broke my reverie. When I stepped out I saw two of my college mates in hotel lobby. We chatted there for a while.

           When doorbell rang I was unpacking my bags. I opened the door and saw Sharmishtha. It was the first time that I saw her wearing the Saree. I said to her “Looking awesome!!” In response she raised her eyebrows as if she wasn't expecting those words from me and said "Finally you have started speaking your mind." There was awkward silence in room.  She replied “I don't have much time. I am going for dance rehearsal. Be ready and join us."

      We were at Sangeet ceremony. She was dancing her heart out. I kept looking at her. I remembered the farewell day; there wasn't anything well for me in that fare. When farewell party got over Sharmishtha dragged me outside of the hall and asked me "Now tell me."

     Holding each other’s hand we walked on empty road. Cool night breeze was playing with her hair. We were silent for some time. I had already made my mind. That day I told her that she should forget me and move on with her life. The Anwesh she had known for past years had died in accident along with his parents. She deserved someone better who could protect her.

      After hearing my initial words she laughed cynically. “You think that you love me means you have to protect me. Protect from what Anwesh?  I don't want your hypothetical protection. What I want is my old Anwesh back. And old Anwesh never want to protect me from anything. He always wanted me to understand him, to be with him, to love the life that I wanted. I can imagine my life without you but it will never be the same like what we'd dreamed together"

I replied to her "I am not as good as you in words. But in last few months I realized we are different people."

She said angrily to me "Since day one we were different people. Then suddenly what happened that made you to think that."

 I decided to talk my mind "After accident I wanted you to be with me. You were there but you never asked me how I felt. You never even realized that I was in so much pain. And for that I am not blaming you. If I could have spoken my mind with you that time you might have understood me. It was my fault that I pretended in front of you that I was ok. My grief was much more than what I'd strength for. You will never be happy with me."

          She kept silent for some time. After sometime I said to her "I know you were helping me not talking about accident, but you never realized that to me you are the only person to whom I could have talked. Your indifference to my pain made me more detached from you. I don't feel anything about you now." It was painful for me to utter those words. After sometime she said "Yes, it was my fault I should have asked you about those nightmares. I knew about that. I never realized that you need someone with whom you could empty all the guilt that was inside you. You are right we are different. But don't think that you aren't strong.  You are much stronger than I had thought.” She replied the same words that I had said earlier “I don't feel anything about you now.” She said staring at me “I know how it feels to say that when in reality you adore that person.” There was no surprise for me when she said that. She knew how I was feeling. It was not possible to hide anything from her. Finally holding my hand and looking in my eyes she said “You are strong buddy but in wrong way. If you want I will go away from you.”

          I still remember her last word "Choice, finally you also made same choice about your life to move on without me, like my parents. I never had a choice other than to accept others choices. The only thing that is comforting to me is that till the end I'd fought very hard to create my choices" She stopped talking, staring at her palm as if she could see through it. She smiled, tears in her eyes and said "Best luck, buddy .I hope you will come out of this mess of yours as early as possible. Good bye." Without looking back she kept walking away from me. I wanted her to come back and argue with me. She was indeed a different than me.

“Husshh…It is tiring to dance” I offer her a glass of water and we sat in hall silently. She stared at me as if the invisible rays from her eyes penetrating my heart and urging me to say the truth. I said “Would you like to walk with me. Here is little bit crowded.”  

When we were alone she said to me “You looked good now, but don’t know how you feel about your being good.” I said to her “I hope I am good in right way” She pressed my hand tightly and caressing my knuckle and looking at me she said “You are strong in right way now.  And don't even have doubt about that.”

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Note: Paragraph in italic font was given by Indian Author Ravinder Singh for times of India's short story competition. As per the rule of the competition every writer should include the Authors paragraph in his/her story.